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I’ve compiled a master list of shots every self respecting fauxtographer should have in his/her portfolio…errr..I mean fb page.

1. “studio” shots strictly with on-camera flash only. (shitty wrinkled backdrop is a must.) Studio shots must include: jaundiced 2 day old infants in tu-tus and gaudy headbands in precarious positions, gross maternity shots with expectant mother revealing her belly button ring adorned abdomen. (+ or- tatted up baby daddy), nasty out of focus boudoir shots with overweight, middle-aged women holding a rose while lounging on a cracked leather sofa (bonus points for selective coloring the rose.).

2. Railroad tracks. Mother freaking railroad tracks. Anything goes this this. You can have your newborn out there in the middle, sitting in a bucket or something, or maybe do your maternity shots with the god-awful heart hands over the belly,  the tracks are very versatile and are a hallmark sign of a great fauxtographer.

2. Kids sittin in the woods. Out of focus? yep. Shot at 1pm? Pssshhh! Is there any OTHER time to photograph someone outdoors? Clothing should be as distracting as possible, with name brands proudly displayed all over. Alternately, hunting camo is acceptable, as well. And, it goes without saying, every shot should appear as if it were taken with an elph P&S, whether it was or not. Strike that, make that my Nokia cell phone camera I had in 2003.

I know I’m probably missing some very important steps, but these are just a jumping off point.